I’m leaving on a trip tomorrow. By myself, without the kids, for a week. I don’t want to leave them. I am trying not to freak out. I want to be calm and rational. In four years, I have only been gone from them for one night.

But… something has happened.

It will be awkward. I will be uncomfortable. I will pretend to be more confident than I am. I will go beyond my comfort zone and be the best supporter that I can be. There will be some good times, too. I am sure of it.

Motherhood has taught me that I can be strong and capable of many things. That I can cope. Strange to think of motherhood that way. That something so cherished and wonderful and natural can also be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I should be so lucky.

The kids will be fine. They’ll be home, in familiar surroundings, in a comfortable routine, with people who love them.

And I must rise to the occasion. And also to pack.



Unexpected flowers flourishing in a crack on the Feldkamp’s front porch.

Ugh. We’ve only been back for a few days and already I feel so BORED! Now I know why new mothers tend to have shopping disorders – it’s simply an easy, safe, and entertaining thing to do with a baby. It gets you both out of the house, and if you happen to find something cute or useful, then it gives you a sense of accomplishment, too. The thing is, after two back-to-back trips to each set of grandparents, Chloe has almost everything she needs until winter. Plus, I really don’t want to become that kind of mother…

So, what else is there to do? I could start a craft or sewing project, but I don’t really have anything in mind, nor do I look forward to being interrupted every two minutes. Plus, our house is so small that the sound of the sewing machine wakes up the baby. We could go on a day trip, maybe to the coast or to the Oregon Garden, except that Chloe really doesn’t like her car seat right now. She’ll probably just cry until she falls asleep, but by then I’d get a headache and the fun would drain right out of the adventure. Hiking is out of the question, even though I enjoy it. I’m one of those mothers who doesn’t really feel safe in the woods all alone with her baby. Chloe hasn’t liked going for walks in her stroller lately, either, which makes walking the dog a bigger chore than it needs to be, which sucks.

So, what to do? Yes, we still do the baby time at the library, but that is only 30 minutes, one day a week. Gymboree and baby pool classes are another option, but they are just so expensive. I’d love to take a class on my own, maybe on web design or photography, but finding a sitter is a whole ‘nother can of worms. Mom?! Sandy?! I miss you guys SO much!

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