How it feels to be happy

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I’ve been feeling happy. It seems strange to write it, but its true. Something has aligned, and for now, it feels unusually good. Sure, there are times when I’m tired, or the kids are extra challenging, or I’m worrying about my mom and her chemo treatments, but mostly I feel good.

I’ve even been motivated to do things long on my to-do list. In the past couple weeks I’ve spray painted some kid furniture, completely emptied and re-organized my craft drawers (HUGE!), sewed a floor cushion cover, a dog bed pad, a new seat for Leo’s high chair, and transformed an old paisley duvet cover into a nice looking twin set for Chloe’s room. The kids have had more outings than usual – more parks, the library, the children’s museum, a day of flyfishing with dad… I wish life always felt like this – full of joy and well-being. Appreciating exactly what I have, getting rid of things I don’t want, feeling like I have a handle on this life of mine, instead of just letting it slip by.

The question is: why I am feeling this way? Are my vitamin D levels up? Is it the weather? The promise of spring? Enjoying some rare social occasions? The relief of finding a reliable accountant? Spending quality time with David? Just last night we went on a very rare “date night” so we could test out a new babysitter before we’ll need her for an event next month. It was really nice. We went for sushi at a nearby place we like, but don’t go often. Part of me lamented the $40 we paid in childcare alone, but I am not sorry. Once in a while its a real treat.

So, today, I am savoring everything – all these facets that make up my life. Things may not be perfect (and never will be), but I’ve been dealt a fine hand. I don’t want to forget that my kids are growing everyday, and so am I. I’ll miss this once its gone – all the innocence and trust and open caring and unscripted dialogue. It is unspeakably precious.

Let me hold it in my hand and bury it in my heart for now. When I close my eyes someday in the future, I’ll see it again, just behind my eyelids, and be glad I did.

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