Today, while Chloe was sitting in my lap and I was briefly checking my email, Chloe put her head down on my arm. I heard her saying something over and over, and when I gave her my full attention I realized she was repeating “night night.” Fascinated, I cautiously asked her if she wanted to go night night. After all, I didn’t want her to worry I’d lay her in bed, just because she happened to say the words. Well, she didn’t say no, even though I asked her a couple times and walked her into her room. There I laid her down and covered her gently with a blanket, all the while expecting her to protest. But she didn’t. She took at nap.
Chloe’s napping has been haywire lately. I think she’s transitioning from two naps to one. She hasn’t taken two naps for days now, and I have to gauge carefully when is a good time to put her down. I usually guess correctly, and she goes right down, but sometimes, its anyone’s guess.
I already miss the two nap schedule. I have a hard time getting anything done, and working is almost impossible. It has gotten to the point that she cries if I sit down at my computer. She is also more energetic than ever, and very LOUD. She’ll wander around the house yelling Mama! Mama! or More! More! over and over again, or just generally crying at my legs until I get up.
It is really the days when I have work to do that are the hardest. Regular days are fine, where I can give my full attention to just us. David has suggested I give up working from home, but I don’t want to. But I also don’t want him to come home to a messy house, frustrated wife and grumpy child either. I know that something’s gotta give. I just hope to put off whatever it is a little longer. I’m scared that if I stop taking work and lose my clients it will be impossible to get that momentum back. Plus, it is something I enjoy (when I can concentrate) and it keeps my skills updated. Who knows what things will be like if I stop now and try to start again later? The industry and software is ever changing. I could get left behind. But I also want to be a good mom. And a good wife, too.
Why can’t I just have it all?